When Writing is Tough...and Publishing is Something Like a Dream

There is a time when you begin to wonder if what you do is worth all the trouble.  There are times when you sit and try to think about how much work you put into your writing, and then nothing.  It is the feeling you get when you have very little energy and very little in the way of "looking on the bright side."  I find that these days it is harder to push myself to write.

Not because I can't find anything to write, but that I can't find a "reason" to write.  I have enough people telling me that my writing was a phase, or something that maybe I should give up on.  I have enough people telling me that perhaps I should find something more... lucrative.  I can see where they are coming from all too well.

The problem is not so much that I can block these voices out, but it is the fact that I am finding it hard to do anything.  I am finding it harder to push myself to get my next book done.  I am double think what I write and spend my time wondering when these mist like days will end.

On Depression, and Writing, and Barely Balancing

A writers life is not an easy life.  You might have several jobs to balance, you might have an editor who is a constant help (or not) and you have to deal with friends and family who, for the most part, love and support you, simply don't understand your unusual obsession with writing.  If they do, they will wonder when you might make some money.  It is like a house of cards....

And that house can fall down.  Even with a love for what you do, it can be impossible to create a drive to make that happen.  For the past couple of months, this is exactly what happened to me.  I lost my balance, and... I fell off that brick wall.  Don't misunderstand I love writing, but something became too much.  I almost forgot that there was this piece of me which needed some love and care.  The writer in me died, and I didn't think that I would ever be able to write again.

There were days when it was nearly impossible to wake up no matter how many times I tried to talk myself into waking up.  I didn't feel a need or a want to do this.  Deadlines loomed (there are a few still out there) and I didn't care.  I felt like I was in a black hole and didn't want to or feel the need to push myself.  My family, who I am sure love me, didn't know or want to know the extent of my black days.  Most have said I simply need to get back to doing something productive, but that doesn't help.  I didn't even have a desire to write or have anything published. Even reading a book was nearly impossible, and even now I can only concentrate for minutes.

I hear a lot of people simply say it is because I am not earning money.  What they don't understand is that I love what I do, but I need to write and publish to earn money, and if I am not writing I am not making money.  Even the day job I have suffered.  I am not the person I can be if I don't even try to care about anything.  It is a very deep hole you can get into and there is more of a chance that you can lose your balance. I'm sure you remember the old nursery rhyme about an egg... remember that all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't but him back together again? Life is about balance...

That is what a lot of my days have been like, a bit broken, and hard to fix.  I have often wondered if I make a difference, or if people would notice that I am broken. I wonder if I write more and think happy thoughts that I will feel better.  It isn't about feeling better it is about learning to balance everything again, even if I am broken, and probably won't be back the way I was.  It is about understanding what is important in my life.  I am a writer, and I have depression but I am still a person who have worth.

Would it help me if another one of my books were published? I a sense I would feel a great accomplishment, but I would also be burned out from the effort.I understand this.  I don't have any more time than the next writer, and I probably have less since my energy levels are drained very quickly.  It might change my writing, since my outlook on life is much darker than it was.  I understand more of the dark side of myself, and that is something that will resonate in my writing.

Sometime barely balancing is a productive thing, but add depression and this can quickly fall out of control.

The Balancing Act

How balancing your written ideas helps you balance your life as a writer

               Remember in highschool English class when your teacher insisted organizing yourself before you start writing was the best way to go? It all just seemed like a lot of extra work didn’t it? I can still remember my grade 12 English teacher making us hand in what she called a “graphic organizer” before we were even allowed to start writing our essay or story. So why is this an important thing to do?

                We have all experienced the feeling of “being on a roll” and not wanting to stop writing because our creativity seems to flow at an endless level. I can remember spending almost 15 hours at a time in front of my computer one time because I was afraid I might lose sight of my ideas. However, I don’t think I need to mention that in light of our topic this month, there is nothing about a 15-hour writing day that says “I am balanced.” It also almost always seems inevitable that when you hit one of those spurts of creativity you get easily distracted by new ideas, and your initial idea may never reach fruition.

               Louis L’Amour once said “Start writing no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.”  While there is truth to what L’Amour is saying, we can’t lose sight of the fact that when you turn on a tap the first water to flow out of the tap is the stale and impure water that has been stagnant since the last time you turned on the tap. So be smart about that initial flow and document the ideas, sure! But refining while you write is not the most efficient or balanced way to approach your life as a writer.

                Keeping an organized journal of ideas as they come instead of lunging for your computer is an excellent way to not end up in this typhoon of creativity that leaves you dead to the outside world. This is a good way to make the most of your ideas too, because it leaves you time to reflect on the ideas you’ve had and maybe make them even better than you had initially imagined. I have always found that a good idea is like a fine wine or cheese: with time comes a more refined and rich idea.

                So if you hit one of those creative fires, grab for a journal not your laptop. I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to let those creative juices go to waste, but to put them into a random flurry is certainly not going to do you any favours. It stands to reason that if your approach to dealing with your ideas is balanced, then your life as a writer will be more balanced as well.